Why do I need faith?

One of my daughters once said to me," It's too bad that you have no faith, something to believe in." This topic has come up more than once between us. I suppose I should start from the beginning to explain why this is a touchy topic for me and her. I am what most people call an agnostic. For me this the only intellectually honest thing for me to be. I would like to think that i live in a universe of infinite size and possibility.   I did not come to believe(or not believe) overnight. I have given it much thought. But to fully express how I got to this point, I really have to go back, way back to the one person that was largely responsible for much of the spiritual influence in my life. That's right, my dear mother(I do not meant that sarcastically, she was very dear).

Let me tell you about mom. She was a lovely woman and if anyone deserved the title of christian woman(and I mean that in the most positive attribution of the phrase) it was her. I believe now that she had what is now referred to in some circles as the "god gene". Her depth of faith and devotion was almost immeasurable. She was literally "good for goodness sake". To find someone to say a bad thing about her would be an exercise in futility. Her abundance of love flowed from her great zeal and faith in god. I am not exaggerating, Ask anyone that knew her. 

Her own motivation for her own personal spiritual quest will probably always at least in part be a mystery to me. In her younger days before she gave birth to me she tried quite a few different religions. I know she tried several flavors of protestantism, possibly seventh day Adventists , several versions of Pentecostal and last but not least but not least the Watchtower and bible and tract society. That's right she became a JW. 

About the time I was about 3 1/2 or 4 she began studying with the JWs. I can barely remember my last Christmas and birthday party. Pretty soon she had Dad and the rest of the family sitting in on the brain washing sessions. For the next 22 years(give or take)my only contact with religion and things spiritual came from the "the Society". While my mom seemed to come alive and blossomed with the torrent of propaganda from JWs I withered. After awhile I found ways to drown out most of the static, but still bought in to basic tenets of the faith. Let's face it, 5 meetings a week, Saturday and Sunday field service(door to door for the uninitiated),  allowed little or no association with non believers, it's no wonder (at least on the surface) that 

I kind of fell in line.

Sometimes I even convinced myself as well as others. Mom even pimped me out to other JW mothers that were having trouble getting their kids with the Society's agenda. On a couple of occasions I was talked into overnight stays with kids and families that I barely knew so I could be good influence. I remember when I was ten I got a phone call  from a kid I had only met once. His mother was a sister from the Kingdom Hall, She had called my mom  to ask what her brain washing technique she used on me to make me toe the line. My mom volunteered me to help her tame her little monster. I was really uncomfortable. The plan was for me to charm the little bastard and the next morning he would willingly submit to sitting through the meeting for his dose of brain numbing. For a whole day and half he barely acknowledged me and on Sunday he cried and begged not to have to go to the meeting. Let's face it a day riding your bike sure beats the hell out of 2 hours Watchtower torture.

In my teenage years i was about as unpopular as you can get at school, and slightly more popular amongst my fellow JW kids. My only out was that many parents felt I was "Safe"

So got invited along. Usually as a fifth wheel. It was during these years that began to read and study and reason. I began to have doubts even though i was loathe to admit myself that i knew it was all a lie.

  Part two tomorrow: Why did I get married the first time?

So I'll see you tomorrow, same moose time same moose channel