I like TV. I like TV a lot. Sometimes I'll balance my trusty iBook on my knee, have a thirst quenching beverage at hand, perhaps a munchie or two and have the idiots lantern tuned to SG1 or Battlestar Galactica. Sometimes I'll watch something on the History Channel or maybe Lost or Heroes. Like I said , love the tube. Having said all that, I must confess there is a fly in the ointment. I must share viewing with my significant other, the always lovely Mrs. Emoose . Back in the day when there only 3 or 4 choices on the telly peace usually reigned in the old moose cave. But technology rolls on, much like the river in the old song. There is now at least 40 or more channels available. To make things even more complicated, throw in about 200 potential hours stored in two Tivos. But the thing that really is starting to unnerve me is that after 34 years I find that that woman has very bizarre taste in TV shows.
Perhaps bizarre is too weak a word to describe what this woman watches. I frankly am loathe to reveal the strange nature of her viewing habits lest you brand me a prevaricator of the worst sort, but I swear to you it's all true. The first show she watches is (prepare to have your mind blown) is a show called Clean House. Guess what it's about. Go ahead. I dare you. If you guessed house cleaning, you were right. How you get a hour show out of cleaning a house is beyond me. If I told you a few years ago that there would be a show about cleaning a house, you would call me a liar, but I swear it's true. If you ever have a hour that don't mind never getting back, it's on the Style Network. They actually run marathons of this drek. Forget waterboarding make those terrorists watch a couple of hours of this and we'll get the coordinates of Bin Laden's cave in no time.
The next show is a type rather than single show. There are a number incarnations. They usually involve some poor woman that gets turned in by her so called friends and sometimes relatives for being lacking in the style department. One version is called 'How do I look?" But basically they all have the same format. First our victim humiliated in front of millions of TV viewers, the she is told how inadequate she is, and that she will never live up to her potential because she doesn't wear the right hair style or the right clothing. They actually go through her closet and criticize her wardrobe piece by piece and then they throw the clothes in a garbage can. I wonder if there has been any suicides because of that show. These shows are invariably hosted by snotty over groomed morons that need to take stock of their own lives much less judge someone else's worth.
The next type show is also very bizarre. Some one goes into some one else's house and rearranges their furniture. The don't get anything like cash or new furniture, just their old crap rearranged. There are are a number of shows along the same lines. Some where the neighbors decorate the house or a single room. The only reason to watch these shows is on the off chance that one of the jerky designers or hosts will get a well deserved ass kicking. After an evening of this stuff she wonders why I want to go to another room to read or cruise the Internet. It's to keep from going berserk and becoming a serial killer or the like!
Of course the worst stuff she watches is American Idol,You Think You Can Dance and Dancing with the Stars. What Spawn of Satan thought up this crap I don't know, but I say let's gather up our torches and pitchforks and drive a stake through their black hearts. Future generations will thank us. Millions of possessors of Y chromosomes will declare us saints!
I keep meaning to ask if insanity runs in her family, on second thought, maybe I'm better off not knowing.
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